I'm not sure if this is a midlife crisis. I'm not sure if it is caused by my recent trip to Guatemala, along with another trip I'm making there in 3 weeks. I'm not sure if it is just wisdom that comes with closing in on 50 years of life. But I am gaining this deep sense that my life on this earth is truly just a wisp of air, and that my time here will be done soon, and that my life does not really matter.
I don't mean for that to sound morbid or for me to come out like a martyr. There is nothing sad about it at all. I think it is more a call for me to make every day count. It is an honest realization that I was not destined for this earth, I do not belong to this earth, and I will someday leave this earth behind. And when the day comes for me to leave, what difference will my presence have made?
You see, I am gaining a new sense of what this world is about. It is just a precursor for what lies beyond. Nothing here matters unless it is carried to the next life. My house, my car, my job, vacations, stuff, stuff and more stuff. It is all poo.
I want to live life selflessly. I want to be willing to take risks, knowing completely that I could lose everything. But also knowing that any stuff I lose is just poo anyway. The only thing that matters is did I make an impact on anyone at all? Did I point anyone at all to Jesus? Did I surrender all that I have? As in, all of it.
I want to surrender my comforts. I want to give up my cushy life, with my clean and comfortable car, and my well-paying job. I want to give up a nice house with nice furniture and nice air conditioning. I want to sacrifice a life filled with conveniences.
I want to live a life that points others to Jesus. I want to pour myself out completely so that others are drawn to Him. I want to become invisible so that He can be clearly seen.
I want all of those things to be true.
Yet, there is a war that wages inside. I want to be all of those things and do all of those things, but I can't. Because I find that I love my house and my car and my vacations and my well-paying job. I know that I love my conveniences and I love being near family and I love my comforts. And I find that I hate that I love them so much. Because as long as I love those things so much, it just means I don't love Jesus completely.
Jesus doesn't ask us to give everything up. He only asks that we don't love anything more than Him. I'm working on that. I am working on loving Him only. It is a rugged path that I'm daring to travel.
My life here doesn't matter unless I make an impact on someone else's life for eternity. As long as I stay in this love affair with my stuff, I fear I am really only making an impact on my own life.
I think I need to break up. Dear John...
Dianna,
ReplyDeleteA very good post and this topic is something I have prayed ALOT about this topic over the past 2 1/2 years more than any other time in my life. I believe God wants family in our life...after Him. I believe it is possible to have family and if you are ALL a Christian family...and you ALL put God first...it is so much comforting to know everyone understands where you are coming from when you write this post. God comes first, and we are never alone with God in our life. If I may use food for an example. God is the mile high coconut cream pie...you take it all in first-devour it), then comes family (meat), jobs(veggies), and your house (cottage cheese :-)..... Kinda odd to use food for thought.... feel free to aadd/comment/or tell me I am totally off base....I need all the help and guidance I can get!
Patty- your food comment made me giggle :). I like that God is the mile high coconut pie, but find it interesting that our house is cottage cheese. That is funny!
ReplyDeleteBut I get what you're saying. God has to be first always. When we let other stuff come first, our lives get whacked out of order.