Erasing The Days

For years I have kept a dry erase calendar on the fridge. It helps my family remember where they have to be on any given day. When the days would run out at the end of the calendar, I would erase the whole thing and fill it out for the next 5 weeks.

Last fall, I found myself unconsciously beginning a new habit. As I got ready to head to bed each night, I took my finger and wiped that day off the calendar. Another day done. I quickly realized what I was doing and what was driving me to this odd behavior. Each day that I could erase brought me one day closer to the next time I would see Logan. We had left him at college in August and  I missed him terribly. Everyday that went by just brought me one day closer to the time that I would get to see him again. It was a game of sorts, one that made the loneliness a little more bearable.

This January I found myself wiping those days away with a totally different motive. And I don't always wait until bed time to erase the day, sometimes I do it as soon as I think it's "legal." For now, each day that I make disappear takes me another day away from Susan's death. It is another day that our family has made it through grief. It is another day that we are closer to healing.

I have been through grief before, unfortunately. And my experience tells me that the more time that passes, the better life gets. We will one day have some semblance of normal again. We will one day answer the phone without fear of what news it brings. We will one day fully enjoy a good laugh without feeling guilty. We will one day look forward to holidays with anticipation, not dread. And at the end of this day, I will be one day closer to that day.